Look Like Yoda, this does not

04 Sep 2010

A.K.A. Amateur Hour, by SweetVale the Imposter.

In the end, (Yes, but how does it end?) the kids eat the cookies and all is right in the universe.
This is a Story of How Good Cookies Go Wrong.

Sweet Kiera is out of town as I write this, at the wedding of Molly & Greg. (Slideshow coming soon).
As addicted to her sweet treats as we are, I was in a fog about what to do for Oscar’s school birthday. Since Clarendon isn’t a hippy co-op with a no-sugar policy, the tradition is to bring cookies or cupcakes into class. His real birthday is tomorrow, but today would be the 3:10 cookie delivery. Kiera, in all of her lovely benevolence, and with disregard to the late hour, hooked us up again. I hope she got packed okay. May I present Exhibit “A”:

Forty gorgeous sugar cookies plus everything I needed to frost them.

Note the cookies are fully made, partially frosted, and extra frosting is in jars ready to go. Note the crisp clean edges of the frosting. Also see that I’ve been given the insider’s tools – the pastry bag, the paint brush, the fancy rack, more white frosting, and (drum roll) the Mana from Heaven:

This stuff makes the frosting behave. At least, well, never mind. Let it be known that it was not the glycerin’s fault.

So after two cups of coffee and with 2 or 3 hours remaining before Ms. Ruth’s set time of 3:10, I begin.
I called Sweet Kiera. In Boston. She gave me the secrets for Icing Recovery. Mark says, “like Nitro Glycerin?”. She emails us a recipe for more frosting, and as Mark opens it he says, “Hopefully you can make do with the amount she left you, because the recipe she just mailed you is Huge.” And not happening.

So my job was to frost the cookies with just the materials at hand. Reasonable Challenge. I even saw a blog posting in the making, so I got the camera out. I had just used up my “Phone a Friend” and “Poll the Audience”. (The audience chose plain un-frosted cookies. Um, Not Up In Here!) My 50/50 decision was whether to go with the bag or the paint brush. (eliminated tools included an oyster shucker, a bbq brush, and toothpicks.) I told you – amateur hour.

My normally calm, steady hands were so shakey! I wish I paid more attention to the master when she was here! I just never ever thought I’d be trying this. I have always said I don’t bake. My mom can bake, Kristi bakes, now we have Kiera. I know, this is frosting. Which reminds me.

I used to think I could reasonably “Do” pretty much any art related project thrown my way. Heck, that’s how I got through college! I could generally work it out. Not any more. I mean, I don’t have that feeling anymore. This was a seriously humbling moment for me!

Here are some of the thoughts that were wizzing through my head as I worked…

– How much Glycerin is too much Glycerin?

– Wow this sure takes a lot of black food coloring to make black!

– iPhones are so handy!

– I love my little troopers.

– More black.

– How shall I get the black all over the cookie? Paint it on?

– shortcut.

– Grateful to my bones that I didn’t need to mix Yoda green – it was “provided”.

– Yoda green. My new favorite color.

– Hmmmm. *sigh* (Madie goes, “oh.”) Oh well, moving on.

– Can you see the panic in my eyes?

You know the Dione Warwick song, I Say a Little Prayer? Well here, get the tune in your head:


So here’s the words I was singing today:

Sometimes when Kiera’s Gone,
And I have to put the frostingon.
I say a little prayer for Me…

I suck doing frosting,
Thank God Kiera already mixedthegreen,
I say a little prayer for Me…

This shit’s really haaard,
I feel like a com-plete retard,
I say a little prayer for Me…

The frosting, The frosting, It’s how it will be,
The black is as black is as black as can be,
The paint brush is lumpy and shakey by me…

Forever, Forever We’ll beg Kiera to do it,
She. can. Rock it!
Forever, and ever, Its like you just knew it,
I. will. eat it.
But don’t leave the baking to me……

Darling Kiera believe me,
For me there is no one but you!!
(you answer my prayers)

I forgot to take a pic of all the finished cookies. I also forgot to eat any food. (might explain the shakey hands). And since the frosting was too wet, I couldn’t stack the cookies for travel. Thankfully Mark devised a beautiful leaning-tower of paper plates. Forgot a pic of that too.
However, we did have a really fun time at school, got to sing along with the class, and here’s the goods: (priceless)

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